


It Hurts

by RhythmLight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Suicidal Sam Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24428977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhythmLight/pseuds/RhythmLight
Summary: It started like a normal day for the Winchesters but then Dean found a notebook and everything changed.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 117





	It Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short one-shot about Sam and Dean. It can be seen as wincest or not, that’s entirely up to you.  
> WARNIG! In this story there is talk about suicide and self-harm, if this is a trigger for you, I recommend that you don’t read it.   
> You have been warned!  
> Anyway, on with the story and hope you enjoy :)

It started like a normal day for the Winchester brothers. Waking up and fighting over who would get first shower was routine by now and Dean, like usual, cheated so Sam had to wait, whish if he was honest didn’t really surprise him. While waiting Sam was looking for a new hunt on his computer and found something that looked like a simple salt and burn just as Dean got out of the bathroom.

“Look here Dean, I think I found us a hunt.” Sam turned the screen towards his brother, then he got up and took his stuff with him into the bathroom leaving Dean to look over what he found.

When Sam came out of the bathroom Dean was cleaning the guns so Sam offered to get breakfast from the dinner down the road.

“Don’t forget the pie!” Dean called out as Sam was leaving. When Sam only rolled his eyes and didn’t indicate that he would Dean shouted after him. “Bring me some pie!!”

After awhile Dean noticed that he was in need of a new cleaning rag and went to check his duffle. When he couldn’t find one in his own, he went to look I Sams’.

At the bottom of Sams’ bag he found one and pulled it out but as he did a small note book fell out and opened. Dean recognized his little brothers hand writing and started to read.

_“Sometimes it hurts to breathe, much like wearing a corset that is pulled harder and harder with each breath. It hurts.”_

After the first sentence Dean sat down heavily on the closest bed. ‘Was this what Sam felt like?’ ‘Why didn’t he just talk to Dean?’

Maybe it wasn’t as bad as it first looked.

_Sometimes it hurts to smile when you just want to scream inside. It hurts._

_Sometimes it hurts to be kind to others when it feels like you are stuck in a dark hole and you do everything you can to pull yourself up and out but you just slip further and further down. It hurts._

_Sometimes it hurts to just get out of bed in the morning when you wake up because it feels as if the whole day is already ruined. It hurts._

Dean had to stop and take a deep breath, his eyes where prickling and he had a lump in his throat. How hadn’t he noticed that his little brother was feeling like this? It was his job to look after Sammy and he had failed.

_Sometimes it hurts so much that you want to cry, but then the questions about what is hurting comes and when you can't put a finger on what it is that hurts you are told to stop being stupid. It hurts._

_Sometimes it hurts so much that you go and sigh and long for eternal sleep but at the same time you know that the wounds that you leave behind are horrible so you continue to paste a smile on your lips. It hurts_

‘His baby brother, his Sammy, was suicidal?’ Dean could feel the tears running down his face but did nothing to stop them.

_Sometimes the inner chaos and pain is so great that you hurt yourself because it is the only way to feel some kind of control. It hurts._

_Sometimes the pain is bright and hot which makes the gun look very tempting. It hurts._

_Sometimes the pain is a constant nagging, gnawing and never-ending cycle that makes you want to just accidentally step the wrong way during a hunt. It hurts._

_Sometimes you wonder if maybe dad was right, you should have died instead of mom. It hurts._

_Sometimes you can say "Today is a good day." and actually mean it and those are the days you fight for. The days Dean smiles with his whole face. The days when it’s just us, the Impala and the road. It doesn't matter how rarely you have them; they are worth the pain that will always, always, come back, as long as those days exist. Then it doesn't hurt as bad._

After he finished reading Dean just sat there staring at the wall with tears on his face.

He was sitting in the exact same spot twenty minutes later when Sam got back from the diner.

“Dean I’m back and yes I bought pie. Apple pie fresh from the oven.” Sam called out as he came through the door. He froze when he saw Dean sitting on the bed with his notebook loosely in his hands and tears on his face.

“Dean?” Sam asked tensely while slowly walking towards him.

Dean took a deep, shuddering breath as Sam knelt before him and slowly took to book from his hands to put to the side.

“Sammy.” The sound Dean made was scratchy and broken. Then his pulled Sam into his arms and just held him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Dean kept whispering and rocking with Sam in his lap, like he used to do when Sam was ten and had a nightmare. The awkwardness with Sam being a lot bigger now didn’t seem to face Dean in the slightest.

“Do you still want to die?” Dean asked after a few minutes. “And please don’t lie to me.”

“Sometimes.” Sam answered after a slight hesitation.

Dean made a wounded animal noise and tightened his arms around Sam.

“Please, please don’t leave me.” Dean pleaded.

“Dean…”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel better just tell me what you need.” Dean said quietly.

“I…I…I don’t know.” Sam stuttered out.

“At least promise me that you’ll tell me if it gets to bad and I’ll help in any way I can.” Dean sounded desperate.

After a few tense moments Sam quietly said “I promise.”

Nothing more was said for a long time while Dean just kept hugging his Sammy and trying to heal his baby brother through physical contact.

**Author's Note:**

> And that is the end, thanks for reading.


End file.
